My Last Therapy Session Final
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USB Audio CODEC & C922 Pro Stream Webcam: [00:00:00] Hi everyone, and welcome to a very interesting episode of the Small Town Entrepreneur Podcast. I don't know if I'll regret this, to be honest. This is new, but I've had so many conversations with a lot of different people over the last A couple months, couple years, and let's be honest, life is really hard and it has had a lot of shifts and a lot of changes post pandemic, during the pandemic, and we're seeing so many other things in the world that is heavy.
And I just read a statistic that being lonely is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Which I just couldn't believe. And I thought, I'm going to pull back the curtain. This is what it's about. This is what I'm passionate about. This is the work that I promised [00:01:00] myself that I was going to put in the work so that I could see that there was another side.
Nine years ago I was incredibly ill. I suffered from a lot of mental health issues. From anxiety. And as a result, depression, I was diagnosed with ADHD with my psychiatrist. But before that, it was a whole gambit of things from bipolar to PMDD to all these different things. And it was a really scary time being a young woman navigating a new career or my first career as a teacher.
And I was. Not okay. I was very sick and it's just wild to think where I was nine years ago and the conversations and the work I've put in and the guidance of having therapists and [00:02:00] putting in the homework or doing the homework and, and keep showing up, I talk about it. it was really hard and, and this, this is something I thought I would share is my very last therapy session with my therapist.
Warning, I get a little teary eyed near the end. And, it was weird because I knew I was recording it, but But I wanted to be really true to myself and know that I think the best way I can learn and the best way, that I share is while I'm doing it, I share it in real time because Things do pass and you forget the journey that you've come.
So here is after nine years of therapy, this is the very last conversation. Truthfully, I wish I had the first conversation that I had with my therapist. We do cover it in this, session. But I want you to hear this to know [00:03:00] a, we all struggle and. Wherever you are on this journey, this is only for those people that some days wake up and just don't know how to get out of bed, get the next, you know, put the next foot in front of themselves.
this sharing is just the, you know, that there is an opportunity out there, whether it's finding the right community, being able to have the support of a therapist. Finding other people. And I'm going to leave you with one very fascinating statistic that I was blown away. A recent interview that I listened to with the newest book by Charles Duhigg called Super Communicator.
And one of the statistics was that they looked at, they followed individuals all the way to 65. And the three key markers [00:04:00] of, were success, Did they consider them successful?
The second was were they happy and the third one was And the one factor, the one commonality through looking at all of them, you know, you, you assume it was like, what was their parents like, or, you know, what was our upbringing and how much do they exercise or what did they eat and all these things we think about.
But strangely enough, it was, came down to the fact that at the age of 45, could they call up a handful of friends. And then hearing the statistic that being lonely is equivalent to 15 cigarettes a day. Of course, that makes so much sense. So I want this episode to be, break down the, I don't want people to feel lonely.
And this is my, you know, attempt to. You don't [00:05:00] have to be alone. There are people out there that are willing to share like myself and other people that are willing to talk about the hard stuff and that that's what we need each other for. And so I'm breaking up this, you know, entrepreneurial journey in that we have to recognize also the parameters of our strengths and our weaknesses and recognize when we do need to help.
When do we know that we are just? Maybe not. Okay. And we need help and we need to talk to someone. And so here is after nine years, every two weeks, every month for nine years, a conversation that wraps it all up with the one and only, which has transformed my life is Dr. Duffy and coming soon is the Duffy method that I hopefully one day can share with you.
Thank you for [00:06:00] being here and enjoy. My last therapy session.
Claire: It's going well. I think, I think life is just one of those things where there's always problems but then some problems, if they keep persisting for long enough, you get frustrated and you're like this can't keep going like this. So, you butt heads or something happens that makes you shift.
So, it's going really well actually. I mean, it's hard running a business. And not having childcare right now. And you know, I have ADHD, Kevin has a brain injury. I think I just sometimes have to be like, I can't solve all the problems by tomorrow, even though I'm impatient. And the second I recognize there's a problem and there needs to be changed, I want everything to happen tomorrow, but I'm starting to.[00:07:00]
Take a step back. And actually I was like literally researching what are some questions after eight years of CBT with my therapist, what are the things that I should discuss with my final session? Okay. And then it was funny. It said, reflect on your journey, express gratitude, which, you know, I'm very grateful.
Capture it. So I want to record this conversation, if you don't mind. It's your conversation. You can record it. I think it's, it helps me. This is a big, and also like at the end of the day, it's like changes. are so subtle. And when I think back, like where I was on day one, I was like, what are the most significant changes you've seen in me over the years?
These are questions I'm supposed to ask you. How do you think it can best maintain progress after therapy ends? And I know we've talked about it, but I also feel like I started to get [00:08:00] really anxious knowing that I've just always known that I had a conversation like this that was continuous. Is, you know, that I knew that, okay, I'll deal with this.
I'll like, put this aside and I'll deal with this. Come therapy, right? Or what would dr. Duffy say, but I feel like not to be morbid But when a friend dies, you know, you really remember them and as time goes on they become less and less like you'll always remember them But they're not so prominent in your life And so my biggest fear not that I think you're gonna die but more or less in my life You're not there anymore, and I didn't think I'd feel like this, but I'm anxious.
Dr. Duffy: Well, Clare, you've done a lot, a lot, a long way in doing a lot [00:09:00] of good. As I said, 24th of November in 2015, nine years ago, and your goal at the time, not let the world get in my head, i. e. care about what everyone thinks of me, and Listening to other people in terms of yourself. How have you done with that?
Claire: Good.
Dr. Duffy: so we basically, you know, I've got quite the file going over and, the progress you've made, evolving into the, uh, influencer. the entrepreneur and having to, as you say, declutter, but declutter your schedule as well as your environment, you got very good at setting out [00:10:00] kind of visual agendas.
you're organizing of a day of a week. You became very good at that. And you basically also have become very good at who owns what, not looking to invalid sources for value. It was a very powerful and is a very powerful tool, you know, that idea that if someone doesn't have the cognitive wherewithal to give you full and fair measure of your worth, then that person has basically invalidated themselves as a valid source or as a valid judgment.
You know, the defect is in them, not you.
A lot of the work we did also was just how to cool, breathe, remembering to breathe. It has to do with anger, it has also to do with anxiety and stress. Being able to take the breath and melt the shoulders at key [00:11:00] moments. Also doing that preventatively, remembering to breathe throughout the day. And keeping that up every hour if you can.
Set up a cue like a sticker or something to remind you as well as the full blown Anti anxiety tools in addition to breathing and melting shoulders, the calming picture the object the scent now your object and scent and everything is over But he calms you down
Claire: He is having a massive meltdown downtown Ottawa like this weekend
Dr. Duffy: That happens, too.
Claire: Oh, man.
Dr. Duffy: Yeah, but, um, basically, that's the time when you are cool and remember to breathe and melt your own shoulders. And, basically, you've come a long way from when we started nine years ago. Very long way. And, you couldn't have imagined yourself with the right guy. You [00:12:00] And a baby.
Claire: No, no, not at all. . It's even those two things alone, I have to remember. Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: and yes. Taking things in stride, learning how to breathe, doing it proactively, doing the full crits when you are, you know, under stress to kind of recompose and. Also taking care of the basics. You're doing really, really, I mean, you're, you do cardio when you're physically able.
You do your socialization with the, editing out of the people who are a drag and a drain and, you know, focusing on the ones who are good for you. Protecting sleep. You've done that. You've had to do that. And if your baby's eating healthy, you're eating healthy. Yeah. that is self perpetuating.
Two things about going forward, Cliff.
the degree to which you think you've taken control, over what used to have control over [00:13:00] you. It's the single most powerful prognostic or forward looking indicator that you will remain in remission in terms of anxiety, stress, whatever. What do you give yourself in that, in terms of taking control over things that used to have control over you, using your tools and techniques?
Claire: You know what, it's funny because I've thought about it. I feel like it's not so more about giving a score of 1 to 10, but it's more of a score of the length that it affects me. If that makes sense, so duration, it's almost like, yeah, the duration of it is like, you know, before it used to be like watching, you know, the pain is like slowly equivalent of a candle melting, whereas now it's like touching a hot pan that I'm like, this is horrible and I don't like it, but I remove my hand quickly and leave the situation.
I don't know if that's a great analogy, but I was just [00:14:00] picturing just, you know, Letting something slowly, you know, even microwave itself to, to, to melting point.
Dr. Duffy: Well, one, it means you're in charge.
Claire: In charge, but I still react. I still maybe aggressively react in the situation for positive or negative.
And I experienced one of those this past weekend. And it, it was a reminder of like, I find that. I do really care about my relationships more than anything in my life, whether they're strangers or my best friend or my husband. I really, the number one thing that's always completely crippled me if something is You know, not in line or it's not healthy.
I am so affected. And it used to, it used to be, Oh my gosh, days, maybe weeks of something that if it wasn't resolved, and now I'm able to go into this mindset [00:15:00] that since day one, you've always said, you know, what would your best friend tell you in this situation? And. It's funny, ironically enough, not only am I immediately going into that perspective and being like, as an outsider, what would I say to me?
Or what would I say to a best friend? And I'm able to switch the mindset way faster and be like, well, this is ridiculous. This person is absolutely ridiculous. Which, I had a Not a great, encounter with a neighbor, which is very disappointing, but I had to look at the situation from a different perspective, and I was able to get through it way better than I would have in the past.
And it's funny, I'm starting to notice when other people are saying things. That are completely invalid or really detrimental and I'm like, what would you tell me? And it's funny, I'm starting to echo the [00:16:00] Duffy method I'm calling it. And so I, I am still far from, there's obviously some things that trigger me a little more than others, but I would say, you know, when I first started therapy and I was in a complete, I was so, so sick when I first started.
Like, I was at a 1 or a 2, and some days I feel like I've hit that 9, but I guess I can attribute to repetition having every 2 weeks to a month having a therapy session, and then now that it's over, I'm wondering, As you say, when something becomes distant, distanced. Do I lose that muscle of being able to switch my mindset into third person or looking from a different perspective as quickly?
Will I, will I lose that? Because I, I always have to come back to these conversations, to these sessions, [00:17:00] and almost have to score myself or, or do a, uh, debrief, but what happens if I know my brain is wired to, like, forget things and just move on to the next thing, and I'm such a creature of my environment, and I'm worried that Not having this accountability, what, what does happen in five years or three years or ten years?
I guess that's ultimately the,
Dr. Duffy: the, the other indicator. of you, you know, keeping the stress and anxiety and the despair
at times, keeping all that in remission, it is having the control over what used to have control over you using all the various tools. And you articulate it well, I mean, you're describing these tools perfectly. the antidote to emotional reasoning, you know, what would you say to a friend and what would I say to you and [00:18:00] etc.
And basically, the ability that you can hit a 9 out of 10 in terms of, meeting your goals, your personal goals. And you have the notes and it sounds like, sure, you're not going to remember them at your fingertips. But if you. I mean, you have been looking over your notes and I'm sure things came back at you that you haven't thought about for a long time.
Probably haven't needed for a long time, but the notes are a playbook that works and, and you will recall. Exactly, you know, the sessions and what we were doing and the kind of work we were doing and you've got a good knack of replying and finding, you know, seeing ways of, translating a situation into an opportunity or a need of doing such and such, or maybe reminding you.
Um, You don't have to read it every day, but you might want to go through it. You just sit down and go through it, section at [00:19:00] a time.
Claire: But that's what I'm worried about, is that, you know, you think you're okay until you're not, or you forget and be like, oh, I'll come to it, but when there's that call, when you know that I, I also, You don't have to show up because you're on the other end, like, there's a lot of times, no offense, I just didn't want to do therapy.
I didn't feel like talking about how I was feeling or had to go back and review and, you know, there's, you're just not in the mood. Or whatever it is. So that's what worries me. I don't want to explain to you
Dr. Duffy: if you like doing something. No. It's something to change how you feel. And you're, you know, and basically that's what the power of the tools is.
It puts you in the driver's seat. Now, you're the one that's got to be doing the driving, but you have that choice now, you know, you don't have to sit there and take it. And it isn't dependent on [00:20:00] me calling. It is, it is in your lap. But this is what. The power of it is, is that you have that, that option. You can change the bad moment.
Claire: Yeah. And I think that's what it comes down to.
Dr. Duffy: But yeah, it's, but that's the deal. But this gives you, it lets you solo. And that's what you now have the power to do. And you now have the tools to do.
Claire: Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: And it sometimes helps to, you know, that, oh, I don't want to do it kind of thing. Dependent recall is the trickster.
We've talked about that very,
Claire: yeah.
Dr. Duffy: The voice, I don't bother what the hell, you know, let it go. Who cares?
that's a joker. That's a trickster. It's a, it's a serpent, you know, but sometimes what helps is a little simple.
[00:21:00] You said sometimes you're a nine.
Claire: But also sometimes I'm not. Yeah. But
Dr. Duffy: you know what, I mean, usually the hardest things to do is cardio consistently.
Claire: Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: Socializing with the right people consistently. no, I understood you've been much more attentive to sleep. You really have had no choice, but to kind of, you know, rest and sleep.
Claire: Yeah. Having a baby has been the best thing for me, to be honest, to be like And
Dr. Duffy: eating healthy, because you can't, you know, if you don't eat healthy, your baby doesn't eat healthy.
Claire: Well, no. And I mean, I was, I would eat healthy. It wasn't more, for me, it was the problem of, Actually, making sure I sat down to eat, I would just put it off.
And it's funny because you know how we talked about socializing and the importance of it. I was going to tell you, there's this new book that I just listened to [00:22:00] a podcast interview. I want to read the book, but this was the best, best quick version. It was with Charles Dewey. He wrote the book, Power of Habit, but he's written a couple other and the most recent one, there was a study.
It's called Super Communicator. and I just thought of you because I was like, this is wild. There was Research, and I've heard bits of it, but to actually hear him saying that being lonely is equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Dr. Duffy: Loneliness is
Claire: I had no idea because I've always
Dr. Duffy: You're not that person.
Claire: Well, I just, I, if I'm going through something or I'm celebrating something, I like to talk it through. And so I usually gravitate to someone else that EA wants to listen or they're going through it too, whatever it [00:23:00] is. I just couldn't imagine that that is equivalent.
Dr. Duffy: It certainly is basically, yeah, it's, it's a new pandemic and there's all kinds of stuff about it, but that's not your problem.
Claire: Sorry. I just, I just couldn't believe it when you always asked me if I was socializing
Dr. Duffy: for Claire's kid. We don't have to check that box and with good people, that's still your job.
Claire: Well, and I think that was when we started therapy,
Dr. Duffy: I mean, basically, and here's what you want to have a tool to help you stay on track, even though I'm not going to be calling, you know, those calendars with the squares,
Claire: like
Dr. Duffy: squares on the wall.
Claire: Oh, like, yeah. Like, yeah. I count, yes, I have it on my fridge.
[00:24:00] Yes. And then you put a
Dr. Duffy: one in a square. You know what you can put in there? I want you to score yourself at a ten on, how do you feel, cardio and then give yourself a count out of ten. And it's a positive thing. Good is a ten. Yeah. Okay. So you have a little, you put cardio there.
Claire: Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: Every day. Cardio? Give it a score.
Claire: Every day, not once a week.
I feel like I'm not good with daily, but I can do a debrief at the end of the week.
Dr. Duffy: I want you to do it at the time. Because here's the point.
Claire: Oh.
Dr. Duffy: What we're up against is mood dependent recall. And that's the trickster voice to say, oh, don't bother.
It doesn't work. You had, you know, blah, blah, blah. It lies, so if you're in that, if mood dependent recall is doing its toxic, sort of corrosion of how you are, yeah, it's going to give you a lie about how Monday was, but your [00:25:00] log is gonna counter that lie. But you gotta do the log every day and it's gonna take two seconds.
Yeah. You're, yeah, you write down the number. But it means that you actually look at, then, you've got the antidote to mood dependent recall, which will try and knock you off your game. So basically it means, you know, put, you know, that square you can put two or three things. You can put cardio, and you give it a number, what it felt like after.
You can put a socialization, and give it a number,
Claire: you know,
Dr. Duffy: after. Yeah, you can, you can kick the, it gave, you know, you had good sleep, and You know, and nutrition is probably a constant. You don't really have to do that. But just by putting those, giving those numbers, you know, those three, a number for cardio, a number for socialization, and a number for sleep.
And then you [00:26:00] look at it when you get into this mood dependent recall, this is your antidote to that. you're written record written at the time, because if you try and wait until the end of the week and mood dependent recall tricks in, your recall is gonna lie.
Claire: why is that?
Dr. Duffy: it's an entity that happens. You know, who knows why, but it happens. And especially if you're stressed or whatever, there is a thought that maybe, maybe is there a benefit to depression? And that may be in primitive times, when a marauding tribe kind of moves into your hunting ground and they're killing all your tribes in order to take it for themselves.
Maybe that is a good time to go lie at the back of the cave and not go out. Right. maybe that does have a kind of survival basis in terms of evolution. Right. Maybe depression is a time to kind of, you know, tell you [00:27:00] to get out, get down, hide, and don't do anything. Don't attract any, any attention.
Maybe, but the point is, is that so, so that's the kind of level of why, you know, why is there a depression? Why do we have mood dependent recall? Well, maybe, you know, back in the day, maybe that was an advantage in some circumstances, but the point is, is it doesn't help you now. It doesn't let you be the best mom you want to be, doesn't like to be the best partner you want to be.
In fact, it derails you. Mm hmm. The enemy. So mood dependent recall is the antidote is you basically look at your, you know, you've been charting. No, this is not.
Claire: Logging.
Dr. Duffy: Why?
Claire: Mm hmm.
Dr. Duffy: You do the logging.
Claire: I do that on an app, but not. Every day, I will do it on my menstrual period.
Dr. Duffy: a calendar and give it a number, it just takes you, you know, [00:28:00] not even 30 seconds, but the thing is just to think of it and do it.
Claire: Yeah, that's But I think
Dr. Duffy: that is as good as anything because basically that'll check the reality, you know, check the evidence, and that's your friend. So you've got to worry about carrying on, you know, rather than depending on my phone call.
Claire: Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: You're in charge.
Claire: Yeah. And when you're, yeah, the days that you're not around, I do.
Yeah. I, I have the, I have the toolkit now of nine years of building it, but,
Dr. Duffy: and you've got the notes, which is good. I go over them about once a month, just glance through them. And I bet you pick up something new or remind yourself of something that might be pertinent that hasn't been applied for a couple of years.
Claire: Well, here nine years, I look back at my journal. What I've written. I was in a really bad place. Dating [00:29:00] bad people. Hanging out with bad friends. The self talk that I had was so toxic from just the environments I was in and, and not having that disruption of thought or disruption of like, is this okay? Is this a healthy way for me to have this conversation with myself and how I'm approaching things?
Yeah. It's a whole mindset shift. You are the best, Dr. Duffy.
Well, yeah, but I wouldn't have known, like, you just, that's the problem is sometimes you just get caught into something and you think, you know, I remember when I didn't have glasses. I just thought, well, this is what the world looks like. And then you get glasses.
[00:30:00] Glasses. Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: And you, you're not gonna let, because you gotta be your best self to be your best mom. That's Oliver.
Claire: Yeah, I think you're right. I think there's a new accountability. I'm 35
Dr. Duffy: now.
Claire: Oh,
we'll just stick with that. I'll just pretend I'm 35. There you
Dr. Duffy: go. That's good enough. Yeah. Because you got all over. And that's, that's, you know, call it all over, you know, your log for, you're logging for Oliver as well as for yourself. Yeah. And that makes all the difference. You know, that makes all the difference about sleep and about diet and in particular doing the cardio and giving it a number, socializing to make sure, and you know, and, and you weed out the twos and threes, you know?
Yeah.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
Dr. Duffy: it was the nines and tens and all of that. [00:31:00] And you know, mood dependent recall, that sucker, you check the evidence against it and the evidence will tell you what you need to do and what, what is working and what is not, what you can trim and reading your notes. It'll come back little things as just exactly as you did about the thinking traps, emotional reasoning, you know, the alternate point of view.
Absolutely.
Claire: Um. That has been such a game changer because I, it's so easy to be hard on yourself.
Dr. Duffy: Really what this is rebalancing.
Claire: Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: And, and the other thing, the real thing is, is, you know, not looking to a corrupt source for validation.
Claire: Yeah.
Dr. Duffy: You know, that should be on everybody's fridge and that can really clean things up.
Well, Claire, I'll
[00:32:00] thrive.
Claire: Oh, I sure hope so. I mean, at least if I'm not thriving, I am to whoever listens to this one day. I gotta write out the Duffy method. Nine years of learnings, and I'll let you know when something's published.
It will be.
Dr. Duffy: And, you know, do that. The other thing, you know, I, to your family doctor, you know, the, uh, tune up every three, or every three times a year just to go in and sort of have a review on the level of psychiatric support therapy, which family docs do. Okay. Okay. I did it as a family doc before I ever had any CBT training, you know, did that for 30 years.
And it can be helped because it is a kind of accountability. So like you said, that's, you know, having to, you know, me calling every month. But if you were having an appointment that was booked for that, just to [00:33:00] kind of do that. And that's what I indicated in writing to your family doctor. And it's not that they got to know CBT tools.
I think it's just got to be on the basic level of psychiatric support therapy, which family docs can do. It'll just sort of be there as a way of keeping, holding you accountable.
Claire: I think that's what I, okay, that's really good because then I just know that that's a trigger for going to my notes, going to my checklist, to my, you know, all the things that I have.
Everything to kind of re look at where I'm at.
Dr. Duffy: Yeah, and I think that, established evidence based trial. that significantly reduces the risk of relapse and keeps things in remission. three times a year, holding you accountable.
Claire: Okay, well I I don't want that.
Dr. Duffy: Okay, Claire.
Claire: Yeah. [00:34:00] Dr. Duffy, maybe I'll see you one day in the real world. Very well, Claire. And now I can read all your psychothriller books, right? Now you can.
Dr. Duffy: Yeah. Now, now that I no longer am your therapist, you can read all my psychothriller, yeah, look them all up.
Claire: I will.
Dr. Duffy: Yeah.
Claire: Well, you have changed my life.
Dr. Duffy: I'm glad that you're doing well. And I'm basically very pleased with, uh, well, I mean, you worked hard, just,
basically, I, here I can just read you the opening letter, the opening patient of the letter to your family doctor, our patient Claire Boogie is another of the long haulers, and I've talked about long haulers who have just been over, you know, it's always been my philosophy, I never close a file, and that everybody could just come back when they needed a tune up, you Most did.
Anyway, who has made good use of my open door [00:35:00] policy in allowing patients to refer themselves back into sessions as issues and problems develop. This delightful, creative young woman has done very well over the years, applying the abundance of CBT tools and strategies. We have covered to the evolving events of her personal growth and evolution.
And then I refer her to my initial report on progress dated January 22nd, 2019. From former primary school teacher to budding entrepreneur to advocate to, for independent business women in small towns to wife and now mother to Oliver. It has been a rich and engaging ride. I have always hesitated to medicalize her enthusiasm and imaginative exuberance.
My focus has always been to introduce appropriate CBT strategies and cognitive restructuring techniques as the different situations require. She has thrived on this approach and continues to do well. I have suggested she continue to [00:36:00] have occasional check in appointments with you going forward. She has retained all her notes over the years, and we are spending these last months in clarifying any concepts or techniques that are no longer clear and require review.
I think her prognosis is excellent, thank you for letting me share care of this unique young woman. Okay.
Claire: That's really, I'm so emotional right now.
Dr. Duffy: Anyway, I'm Thanks, Dr. Duffy. Clarence, I wish you well. I know you're going to thrive, and you know how to do it. Thank you.
Claire: Thank you for everything. Until we meet,
Dr. Duffy: until the next time, Dr.
Duffy. Okay. And, uh, you take care.
Claire: Thanks, Dr. Duffy. Until next time. Bye bye.
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